What About Before?
by Fyerluna
Summary: During WWII Steve tries to remember what his life was like before the Super Soldier serum.


"Aw come on Cap. Haven't you always been like this?" It had to be the twentieth time Bucky had asked him, but he hadn't been counting. Really it was the twenty-second and he had been counting, but it was not as though he'd admit that to even himself.

"Bucky, I... I was nothing like I am now." He looked away, thinking of some long-ago memory that seemed lost in the fog. He could remember everything after the serum in perfect clarity, but everything before seemed to be obscured by a thick veil. He knew that if he chanced upon a memory from before he would be able to remember himself remembering it, but that was all. It would be like a mirror image of what he had been meant to find.

"Cap? Hey, you okay?" Steve realized he must have been too silent for too long. Bucky never could take the quiet very well.

"I'm fine. Why are you so interested in what I was like anyway? You haven't always been like you are now have you?" He regretted trying to change the subject the moment he had spoken. Bucky looked so dark so suddenly that Steve was sure that night had fallen even though it was bright sunlight that glinted off the knives they were peeling potatoes with.

"I was a little different sure, but I was always headed for this." He tugged his collar and Steve could see what he meant encapsulated in the little flash of blue fabric. "They've been working on me since my dad-"

Steve saw him bite his lip. He checked to make sure no one was watching and put a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder. Bucky gave a half hearted smile and went back to peeling spuds.

"I shouldn't have asked huh?" Bucky rolled his eyes at that. Steve was glad to see him back to normal so quickly.

"Aw cripes Steve, I've been pestering you for days. I'll live from getting asked just once." Bucky grinned. Steve hoped he would learn his lesson and stop asking. "So?"

"So what?" Apparently he had hoped in vain.

"So what were you like before?" Steve grimaced. The noise the knives made as they cut through the flesh of the potatoes was suddenly deafening.

"I was different." Bucky sighed and Steve was glad when they lapsed into silence.

It was fifteen years earlier and a little boy spasmed on bed in a coughing fit. His mother rubbed his back to try to calm him and the doctor's lips were pressed together as he thought.

"I believe your boy may be suffering consumption. He will need to be treated and quarantined." The coughing fits subsided as the doctor called the young woman into the adjacent room.

"Mrs. Rogers, it is very likely that your son will die even if we treat him. You must accept this if we are to continue here. You understand of course that the treatment can be very... expensive and a woman of your limited means may not be able to accrue those funds." She swallowed to keep from appearing too upset. The doctor was a young man, barely out of his residency.

"Of course doctor." She turned to return to tending to her son.

"If you were willing, I think we might be able to come to some agreement. A trade of sorts." He was leering at her. It suddenly became clear what he was suggesting. "After all, you are a widower aren't you? It must be lonely taking care of a boy who is ill all the time, especially with no father to help you."

"Doctor, I was not aware that you were in the business of giving examinations for free." She felt her stomach turn as she led the leering man into her bedroom. The little boy on the bed slept fitfully.

"Cap, wake up. I need your help." Someone was shaking him. For a moment he thought of a woman sitting on the edge of a wooden bed, but he couldn't figure out why.

"Cap!" The definitely male voice hissed. "Come on."

"Sorry Bucky. What is it?" He rubbed his eyes blearily.

"We ran into some trouble and now we need you to help. Toro's gone and got caught and we couldn't figure a way to save him before those lousy rats got away." Steve shook his head, partly to clear it and partly because Bucky was pouting. It was one of the only childish mannerisms that he still had.

"I suppose we'd better put a stop to whatever villain's gotten a hold of him hadn't we?" He got up slowly and pulled on his brightly coloured uniform.

"Gee, that's the spirit. So enthusiastic to help your partner save a friend huh?" Bucky smirked. Steve removed the shield from his backpack.

"As always. Let's go." Steve smiled a little and Bucky tried not to look too disheartened.

"I think you'd better leave son." The burliest of the three men surrounding a crying woman tried to be firm with the boy at the mouth of the alley. He was staring at them, and the woman's skirt was torn. In his hand the boy held one of her shoes.

"What are you doing?" He was confused. The men shared a look and a wordless conversation passed between them.

"Look, leave the kid alone. That's Sarah's boy. He's not going to do any harm." The others looked skeptical at that.

"He could always call for help." The boy blinked and bolted a split second too late. He was gathered up in beefy arms. He could feel the air being squeezed out of him, and as he lost consciousness he wished that he could have been bigger and stronger.

"Let him go!" Toro had been easy to rescue. Generally once the other Invaders arrived he'd rescue himself. Steve was never quite sure why he didn't leave if he could have all the time. On the other hand, Bucky always managed to get himself into the stickiest of situations and when he was captured, his captor was often intent on killing him. Just such a specimen was standing before him in the full Waffen SS uniform, his arm around Bucky's throat.

"I will not let him go. He is too young for this war. He is a child and yet here he insists on being treated as an adult. He cannot be taught his place and if he insists so on being where he does not belong I will simply put him out of his trouble." At that, Steve leapt forward, deflecting the gunshots as he ploughed towards his partner. He struggled briefly with the soldier until Bucky found his footing and together they forced the man down to the ground. Steve stopped Bucky before he could draw a gun and tied the unconscious Nazi up.

"Some rescue I turned out to be..." Bucky grumbled. Steve sighed and helped his partner to his feet.

"You did a fine job. Toro's safe and you thought to come get me, so now so are you." Steve was rewarded with a half hearted smile for his efforts. "Come on, let's go home."

"Mother, I'm home!" He was barely seventeen and already in a fairly exclusive art school. His mother had been working herself ragged along with him to help afford the extra cost. The paper he carried had front page news about some GI drowning in his parachute on a training exercise. He never could stand those military types. "Mother?"

The house was small, and she had not been hard to find. There was a plate in the sink that she had been washing, and the cloth was still in her hand. It looked to the young man like she had taken a sudden fainting spell so he took the dishrag from her, gathered her up and lay her in bed.

He ran as fast as he could to fetch the doctor and waited as the she was examined. It was not until the doctor left and returned with a city official that he knew this would be the last he would see of his mother. It fell on deaf ears as they explained what he already knew, and their condolences did nothing to ease the pain of losing her. When they left he began to sob. If only he had been faster. He might not have been able to prevent her death, but he might have prevented her dying alone.

"Thanks for saving me." Toro blushed a bit and Steve was sure it was embarrassment. He was peeking into the tent that he shared with Bucky, unseen by the two boys sitting on the cot. He was sure Bucky was smirking, even though his back faced the entrance.

"I had to Matchstick. Where would we be without you?" Toro leaned close and Steve could hear both of their heart rates accelerate.

"Probably a lot worse off by now." Bucky was balancing himself against the steel bar at the foot of the bed as Toro pressed close to him.

"Wouldn't doubt it. I would have been downed by a splatter gun by now if not for you." Steve knew exactly where this was going as the two slipped into a more comfortable position and then slid onto the floor. He suddenly understood why Toro waited to be rescued and decided he and Bucky would have to have a long talk about this as he snuck out of the base for the night.

"Look kid, I just don't think you can pass." The blond man looked determined anyway. The recruiter sighed. "Alright you're old enough, you can try."

He failed every test miserably, and some so completely that the GIs watching him thought he must have been faking his poor results. Battered, bruised and humiliated he walked out of the testing.

"Excuse me son," he kept walking, sure that it couldn't be him the man had meant. He felt a hand on his arm. "I think we might have a job for you."

"Sir, are you sure?" He didn't want to get his hopes up, he'd already had enough disappointment today.

"You are Steve Rogers aren't you?" He asked. Steve nodded cautiously. "Good. You're about to be America's first super soldier."

FIN


End file.
